Gay dating: have I left it too late?

“I'm in my 40s and I’ve hardly dated. Have I missed my chance?”

I’ve heard versions of this worry quite a few times in gay spaces, and I can understand why it weighs so heavily. Maybe you came out later in life, or spent years not feeling able to explore that part of yourself. Perhaps you’ve been out for a long time, but relationships just haven’t happened in the way you hoped they would.

It can feel as though everyone else learned how dating and relationships work years ago, but you somehow missed the lesson. You might feel nervous about a first date, then judge yourself for being nervous. Or you might start treating your lack of experience as proof that something is wrong with you. I don’t want to brush that pain aside by saying “age is just a number”. You may genuinely wish things had been different, and there can be real sadness in that.

Having less experience doesn’t mean you have less capacity for closeness or intimacy and there isn’t a deadline for becoming comfortable with your meeting people or working out what you want from a relationship.

Counselling can’t promise that you’ll meet someone. What it can offer is a place to talk honestly about the loneliness, shame or sense of being left behind without treating those feelings as proof that you actually are.