I understand myself, so why am I still stuck?

“I know why I do it. I know where it comes from. So why am I still doing it?”

This can be a very frustrating realisaiton for people to come to. People might realise that they feel anxious when things are uncertain, or see a repeating pattern in relationships, or perhaps they notice that they are too hard on themselves and can point to the psychological reasons for it.

You might think about these things a lot, and then notice that the same things keep happening. Self-understanding is definitely useful, but it can't give us control over our emotions and how we feel. Just knowing that we feel pain when we percieve rejection doesn't stop rejection from hurting. Recognising that we're catastrophising doesn't make your body calm down. Recognising you're in a toxic friendship doesn't make it simple to walk away.

Insight into oneself can also become another stick to beat ourselves with: if we know what we're doing and why we're doing it, why can't we just stop?!

Counselling can involve underlying patterns, but it's not an exhaustive search for a nother explanation. Instead, it's somewhere to notice what happens while those feelings come up in the therapy room. What are your needs, what becomes difficult, and hwat happens when you understand something while not being able to respond differently?

People seeking counselling don't have to pretend they haven't already thought deeply about themselves and have their own theories about their minds, and counselling can start with what you already know.

If this sounds familiar, you can read more about how I work with feeling stuck here.